Jokes and other funny stuff. We all need a good laugh. 👍

At a news conference, a journalist said to a politician, "Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth is," he replied, "My assistant has a big mouth."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________---

A man and his wife were awakened at 3am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3am in the morning!"
He slams the door shut and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Candy With The Little Hole


The children began to identify the flavours of the sweets by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY flavoured ones.
None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her sweet out and
yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________--

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.˜Oh, Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmys mom wants to talk to you.'

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!