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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 16, 2020 16:37:32 GMT -6
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
1. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
2. In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
3. At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
4. On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
5. On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
6. At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
7. At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
8. On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
9. In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
10. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 19, 2020 8:02:35 GMT -6
IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN
1. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
2. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
3. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
4. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
5. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
6. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
7. You don't have to shave below your neck.
8. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
9. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
10. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 19, 2020 18:15:24 GMT -6
I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, "You're next".
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 20, 2020 15:51:45 GMT -6
After conducting a preliminary investigation about home burglary, the homeowner is very anxious if he could get back his stolen belongings.
Homeowner: "Officer what is the chance of me getting my things back."
Police: "It's very unfortunate this happened. I am sorry even if we catch the culprits, chances are your properties are already sold or gone."
Homeowner: "What should I do?"
Police: "Better lock next time."
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Post by meskie on Oct 20, 2020 19:50:43 GMT -6
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 23, 2020 5:59:41 GMT -6
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they're twins...if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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Post by meskie on Oct 23, 2020 9:02:08 GMT -6
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 23, 2020 21:22:41 GMT -6
This probably best fits in the joke thread although its an SNL skit from years ago, its a classic
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Post by Beerwiser on Oct 24, 2020 10:34:17 GMT -6
From Farm Show magazine.
Last year I replaced several windows in our house and they are the energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed
but that I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did that get my blood boiling. Now, I’m not stupid. I proceeded to tell him what his fast talking salesman told me last year. That in one year these windows would pay for themselves.
There was a silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven’t heard back. I guess I must have won that argument…
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 25, 2020 21:25:35 GMT -6
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 26, 2020 16:06:07 GMT -6
A man is stranded on a desert island. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then, with a mischievous and flirty smile, she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
The man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
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Post by meskie on Oct 26, 2020 23:44:23 GMT -6
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Post by kevlar on Oct 27, 2020 7:34:02 GMT -6
LOL!! I'm actually guilty of that!!!
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Post by Beerwiser on Oct 27, 2020 7:37:04 GMT -6
Not me, I used a ratchet. Much more elegant not like you rednecks lol.
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warreng
Full Member
Posts: 119 Likes: 8 
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Post by warreng on Oct 27, 2020 9:06:25 GMT -6
actually makes a pretty good hitch pin, i have used it for that before ..
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