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Post by kenmb on Sept 25, 2020 7:26:02 GMT -6
This would probably be funnier if it wasn't so accurate
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Post by generalchaos on Sept 25, 2020 21:13:28 GMT -6
Lena asked Ole, “Could yew please go shopping fur me and buy one carton ov milk and, if dey haf peaches, get six of dem.”
A short time later Ole came back with six cartons of milk. Lena asked him, “Vhy did yew buy six cartons ov milk?” Ole, replied, “Vell, becauss dey had peaches!”
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Post by Beerwiser on Sept 25, 2020 21:27:25 GMT -6
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Post by northernfarmer on Sept 28, 2020 9:33:54 GMT -6
DOCTOR NOTES ON PATIENT CHARTS
1. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
2. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
3. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
4. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
5. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
6. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
7. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
8. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
9. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Post by northernfarmer on Sept 29, 2020 9:53:03 GMT -6
MARTHA STEWART ETIQUETTE GUIDE FOR REDNECKS
1. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
2. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
3. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
4. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
5. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
6. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
7. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
8. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
9. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
10. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
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Post by northernfarmer on Sept 30, 2020 10:39:44 GMT -6
DILBERT’S LAWS OF WORK
1. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
2. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
3. Following the rules will not get the job done.
4. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
5. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
6. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
7. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 1, 2020 10:09:49 GMT -6
RESPONSES TO USE WITH TELEMARKETERS
1. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
2. If the phone company calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
3. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
4. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
5. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 2, 2020 21:42:46 GMT -6
TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN
1. Bathroom Etiquette: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
2. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill store
3. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 20 Year Old Polyester Shirts
4. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
5. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
6. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
7. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
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Post by Beerwiser on Oct 3, 2020 9:29:43 GMT -6
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 5, 2020 8:43:37 GMT -6
WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST BUT SHOULD
1. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
2. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
3. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
4. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
5. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 5, 2020 19:23:55 GMT -6
JOKE OF THE DAY
Tech: "Hello, this is tech support. What can I help you with today?"
User: (describes problem)
Tech: (rattles off computer jargon)
User: "Sorry, I don't understand. Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
Tech: "Okay... 'Hi, could you please put your mommy on the phone?'"
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 6, 2020 17:05:52 GMT -6
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
1. Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
2. At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
3. On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
4. In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
5. On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
6. At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
7. On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
8. In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
9. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
10. At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Post by cptusa on Oct 6, 2020 19:08:27 GMT -6
Several years ago local contractor built a tiny house on a trailer for local parades. Sign said "Best erection in town".
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Post by Beerwiser on Oct 6, 2020 19:53:38 GMT -6
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Post by SWMan on Oct 6, 2020 20:40:42 GMT -6
Several years ago local contractor built a tiny house on a trailer for local parades. Sign said "Best erection in town". Many years ago the local septic service guy had a parade float that had an outhouse on a trailer that said on the back: "We take your $hit" and they shot the crowd through large water pistols through small holes in the outhouse. Not sure you could even get away with that today the way people are offended at anything and everything...lol |
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