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Post by northernfarmer on Sept 9, 2021 19:03:57 GMT -6
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: 'Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!'
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?'
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Post by meskie on Sept 13, 2021 12:36:13 GMT -6
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Post by northernfarmer on Sept 14, 2021 20:06:01 GMT -6
Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 89), living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course, we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Post by Beerwiser on Sept 25, 2021 13:32:20 GMT -6
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: βTake only ONE. God is watching.β
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, βTake all you want. God is watching the apples.β
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 6, 2021 15:30:47 GMT -6
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Post by meskie on Oct 11, 2021 23:05:43 GMT -6
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Post by meskie on Oct 11, 2021 23:06:13 GMT -6
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Post by garyfunk on Oct 12, 2021 8:16:04 GMT -6
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Post by meskie on Oct 12, 2021 9:12:16 GMT -6
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 13, 2021 15:40:58 GMT -6
Late one evening, a woman came home from work after a long day at the office. When she walked into the kitchen, she found her husband walking around wielding a fly swatter.
"Albert, what are you doing?" she asked. "I'm hunting flies," he said.
"Oh, I see. Did you kill any?" she asked. "Yep, three males two females," he replied in a confident tone.
The woman was intrigued by her husband's apparent fly knowledge. She asked, "But how can you tell the difference between males and females?"
He replied, "Easy. Three were on the beer can and two were on the phone."
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Post by Beerwiser on Oct 13, 2021 21:25:06 GMT -6
Attachments:
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Post by northernfarmer on Oct 21, 2021 18:37:17 GMT -6
Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays. Norma said, "My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their 'thank you' notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely βthank you' note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them."
Sonia said, "My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send βthank you' notes. I too send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit."
"Wow," remarked Norma. "I wish mine would do that."
"You can, Norma, you can."
"How?" Norma asked.
"Simple. Do what I do. Don't sign the check."
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Post by Beerwiser on Oct 24, 2021 13:54:53 GMT -6
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant, but we always used protection and the rubber never broke. How is this possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story. "There once was a hunter who carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella out instead of his gun. Suddenly a lion jumped out in front of him. In order to scare the lion, He used his umbrella like a gun and shot the lion, then the lion died.
Guy: That's impossible, someone else must have shot the lion.
Doctor: Good you understood the story, next patient please!
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Post by kevlar on Oct 26, 2021 20:17:01 GMT -6
A little immature, I know.
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Post by northernfarmer on Nov 1, 2021 7:36:39 GMT -6
USELESS INVENTIONS
1. Solar powered flash light 2. A black highlighter pen 3. Braille drivers manual 4. Inflatable anchor 5. Double sided playing cards 6. Ejector seats for helicopters 7. Fireproof matches 8. Battery powered battery charger 9. Seatbelts for motorcycles 10. Inflatable dartboard
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